


it's not you, it's me (and all that other bullshit)

by transzoemurphy



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: But I wont, Gen, Jewish Brooke, Misgendering, Nonbinary SQUIP, Past Sexual Assault, Rape/Non-con - Freeform, Sexual Assault, Stalker, Stalking, Trans Jeremy, bc i didnt wanna do the nb community dirty like that, but !! it's not mentioned here but Christine Is Nonbinary thx for ur time, but i didnt have. a good choice?? idk, fr yall deserve better, human squip au, human!squip, i didnt wanna make sam nb, i kinda want to tag this under squipemy / squipjer just to piss them off, implied deere, implied dillinjer, implied richmike, jake says uwu out loud, jere’s jewish but thats CANON u goddamn heathens, squip bashing, squip uses they/them, the squip is a creep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 01:38:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17889125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transzoemurphy/pseuds/transzoemurphy
Summary: Jeremy's dealing with a stalker in the best way he knows how — avoiding the hell out of them





	it's not you, it's me (and all that other bullshit)

**Author's Note:**

> notes: title from party favor by billie eilish  
> this is a human!squip AU where the squip's name is Sam. sorry to all the sams out there, especially my friend sam. ily and ur valid but it's the first non gendered S name i thought of. the squip uses they/them pronouns btw  
> one day im just gonna publish my entire life story here and yall will just be like "ah, nik. back at it with the AUs and OCs”  
> also highkey theres some Heavily described assault in this one so maybe..,,, if u dont think u can read that then Please don’t. & get a drink of water or smth. 8 glasses a day yall :’)

(before: 17 September)

“I'm Jeremy,” he said hesitantly.   
The other looked at him through the mirror in the bathroom. “I'm Sam,” they said. Jeremy already knew that. Sam was one of the most popular kids in school. Up there with Jake, Jenna, Madeline, and Rich; Sam was an active member of theatre, soccer, baseball, volleyball, the GSA, the civil rights team, and the chess club, among others. Literally everyone knew them.   
“Uh…” Jeremy said. “Like, no offense, but why are you talking to me?”  
“You look like you could use some help. Like. Socially.”  
“Thanks,” Jeremy said, pouring soap into his hands and putting his hands under the faucet to turn it on.  
“That's not an insult.” They paused. "That is an insult, but I think I can help you, if you let me."  
Jeremy pressed his lips together upon noticing that the sleeves of his flannel were now soaked. Great.  
“Meet me at — no, actually, I'll bring you to the mall. We'll get you some new clothes. It's on me.”

(before: 14 October)  
sam: Jeremyyyy  
sam: Jeremy  
sam: JEREMY  
sam: Esther Heere  
jeremy: stop Calling me that  
jeremy: ive told u that it bothers me pls stop   
sam: Then try responding to my fucking texts and maybe I'll stop! I was worried. I need to talk to you.   
jeremy: about ?  
sam: Look, sweetie, this isn't going to work if you keep ignoring my texts. I wanted to talk to you about the party.  
jeremy: what party ?  
sam: Jake is throwing a Halloween party at his house. You're invited.   
jeremy: ok ill ask my dad  
sam: No you won't. You'll just go. You don't need his permission.   
jeremy: but ill feel bad  
sam: Don't be a pussy, 'Jeremy'  
jeremy: fine.   
sam: 20 extra pushups for sass.   
jeremy: whAT  
sam: You heard me. And that's ten more.

(before: 31 October)  
“C’mon, Jeremy,” Sam taunted. “C’mon. Don’t pussy out on me now. I like you. I want you, Jeremy. It’s a new experience for you, I know, but you’re the one who asked for this.”  
“I— I didn’t— I—”  
“Shh,” Sam hushed him, put a finger over Jeremy’s lips, kneeling over him on the bed. “Don’t act so coy, honey. We both know you want this.”  
Jeremy tried to sit up but Sam’s weight stopped him. “I can’t— I can’t get up,” he said, shaking.  
“You’re welcome, baby,” Sam said.  
Jeremy wanted to tear off his skin.  
Sam pressed a light kiss to his neck and Jeremy wanted to tear off his skin.  
Sam settled their body weight down on top of him and Jeremy wanted to tear off his skin. He wanted to dig his nails into his skin and pry it off to get Sam’s hands off of him.  
But since when had how he felt ever mattered? Since when did anyone care about him?  
“Is this okay?” Sam asked, their hand resting right below the base of Jeremy’s neck.  
No. No. No. No. No.“…Yes.”

(after: 7 November)  
“Jeremy!” Sam greeted him. “Hey, honey!”  
“Hi, Sam,” Jeremy said. The words scratched claw marks up his throat.   
“C’mere! I’m touch-starved, love, I need a hug.”  
Jeremy’s body moved over to Sam and he desperately tried to get the attention of Jake or Michael, who were the two people who knew about the scenario. Michael was talking to Rich with a light in his eyes that Jeremy hadn’t seen in a while, and Jake was messing around on his phone.  
Sam let go of him but interweaved their fingers in his. “How’s your week been?” they asked, smiling brightly.  
Jeremy shrugged. “Okay.” He shifted slightly and tried to subtly kick at Jake’s wheelchair. Jake didn’t notice.  
“I love the curls in your hair, oh my god,” Sam said, running their free hand through Jeremy’s hair without permission.  
Jeremy stayed quiet, coughing into his free arm and ‘accidentally’ hitting Jake with his elbow.  
“Sorry,” Jake said, turning.  
“You’re fine,” Jeremy said, trying to communicate his terror with his eyes.  
“Oh!” Jake said. “I have those history notes you asked for. Come with me to my locker and I’ll give them to you.”  
“Okay,” Jeremy said. “Thanks, I’d fail the test without those,” he added, fake-laughing.  
“Bye,” Sam said, pouting. “See you later, sweetheart!”  
“Bye,” Jeremy responded.  
Jake took Jeremy’s hand and led him to one of the less travelled hallways. The second they were out of eyesight Jeremy let out a long, shaky breath, his posture slumping.  
“Come with me,” Jake said. He brought the shorter boy into a stairwell, but instead of climbing the stairs (which he wouldn't have been able to do anyway), he went behind them, parking his wheelchair on the ground next to an unused recycling bin and several old cigarettes.  
Jeremy sat down next to him. “Sorry.”  
“It’s fine, Jere,” Jake said. “It’s fine.”  
“Sor—I mean…”  
Jake looked down, noticing their hands were still linked, and he switched so that his hand was on the bottom. “Hey, what’s going on? Is there anything I can help with?”  
“Sam’s just… being Sam, I guess,” Jeremy said.  
“I feel like it’s more than that,” Jake said. “But you don’t have to talk about it.”  
A long pause. “Do you want gum?”  
“If you’re—um—I mean—I don’t want to, like, steal—your stuff? But—”  
“Here,” Jake said, pulling a pack of gum out of his pocket.  
Jeremy took a stick. “Thanks.”  
“Anytime.”  
Another pause went by as Jeremy began to chew the gum.  
“Jake?”  
“Yeah?”  
“If you say yes to something… that means, um, it was— does that make it your fault?”  
Jake hesitated. “…No. If you’re asking what I’m thinking— it’s never your fault. If you were manipulated, or scared, or coerced… then it’s… you didn’t— it’s not your fault. Especially if there’s a, a power imbalance.”   
“I… but I…” Jeremy picked at the skin around his nails. “I said yes. They asked if it was okay and I said yes. I could’ve said no, I could’ve said no, I could—” Jeremy’s voice broke off and he pursed his lips. “Sorry.”  
“It’s okay,” Jake said. “It’s okay. You can say as much or as little as you need to.”  
“I was so scared,” he breathed. “And I still am. And it doesn’t count as—y’know— it wasn’t really that bad, and I was kind of, I was, I shouldn’t be complaining because other people have it so much worse, and I’m just making my problems bigger so I can feel bad for myself when I don’t deserve to. I could’ve said no. I was just scared. And that’s my fault. I didn’t have to say yes.”  
“You were scared,” Jake whispered. “You were scared, meaning you were coerced, meaning you— even if you did say yes, it was clear that you didn’t mean it.”  
“I’m sorry,” Jeremy said again.  
“I… this is— I— as I began to say this I realised it probably sounds mean, but I really don’t think you should be at school today.” Jake nodded, as though he were solidifying the thought in his mind. “I think we should go get ice cream and, like, go play video games or something.”  
“You mean we should skip?”  
Jake gave him a half-smile. “Yeah. Exactly.”

(after: 20 November)  
“I haven’t seen you in so long, babe!” Sam greeted, beaming and throwing their arms around his shoulders.   
Jeremy gave Jake his best “please save me and/or kill me” look.   
“Hey, Jere, can you come with me to the guy’s bathroom? I need to show you the graffiti I was telling you about.”  
“Yeah, sure,” Jeremy said, crawling out from their arms and hurrying to catch up with Jake's oddly quick... wheelchairing? down the hall. Jeremy didn't know the word for it and he didn't really care. Wheelchairing worked. It got the point across. He'd Google it later.   
“So this graffiti, I know I texted you a picture but it’s, you have to see it in real life to truly get the full experience. It’s just… okay, we’re far enough away. Sam, ‘go five seconds without touching you’ challenge.”  
“God, exactly,” Jeremy said, looking up at Jake. “Thanks for, like, saving my ass every three minutes.”  
“Of course. You shouldn’t have to be around them.” Jake rolled his shoulders and shrugged off his letterman’s jacket, revealing a Middleborough football team tank-top. “I’ll beat them up for you if you want?”  
“You’d get in trouble,” Jeremy pointed out.  
“So? It’s worth it. I don’t want that motherfucker getting near you again.”  
“…Thanks, Jake.”  
“Love you.”  
“Love you t—wait, oh my god, how?”  
“Oh, honey, lots of reasons,” Jake said.  
Jeremy froze for a second. Don’t act so coy, honey. We both know you want this.  
Jake picked up on the movement—or lack thereof, rather. “Shit. Fuck. Sam called you that. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to — I didn’t—”  
“It’s okay, Jake,” Jeremy said. He shoved his hands in the pocket of his hoodie. “Really.”  
“You sure?”  
“Yeah,” Jeremy said. “You weren’t trying to hurt me or anything. It’s fine.”  
“For real, though,” Jake said. “You’re way too hard on yourself.”  
“Yeah, it’s the depression and anxiety.”  
“I will yeet that bitch out of your head and murder it.”  
“…God, you’re the best.”

(23 November)  
Jeremy was finally safe. He’d relaxed in one of the counsellor’s rooms with Jake, Michael, Rich, Brooke, and Christine, and the six of them were messing around and having a great time when Sam kicked the door open.  
“‘Sup, y’all,” they greeted, placing themselves between Jeremy and Rich. “I haven’t seen you in forever, honey,” they said to Jeremy.  
“Yeah,” Jeremy said. “It’s been a while.”  
Sam picked up Jeremy’s hand and started playing with his spinner ring. “Love you!”“…Thanks,” Jeremy responded, taking a bite of his pizza.  
“Are you okay?”  
The others’ eyes were darting between the two of them, all of them very clearly trying to figure out a way to fix the situation without making it worse for Jeremy.  
“Yeah. Just tired,” Jeremy shrugged.  
“Do you need a hug?” Sam asked.   
“No.”  
“You sure?”  
“I’m sure.”  
“Hey, Jeremy, look at this fic I just found!” Christine said, sliding closer to him and holding out her phone.  
“Oh, the Legend series! I didn’t even know there was fanfic of that!”  
Christine and Jeremy got into an animated discussion of the series, which made Jeremy feel much more at ease with the situation. But Sam kept playing with the ring, and Jeremy became more and more uncomfortable.  
Noticing Jeremy drawing away, Sam asked again, “You need a hug?”  
“Nah, I’m fine,” Jeremy said.  
“I found this really cool blog for the series,” Christine continued quickly, carrying on the quondam conversation. Jeremy loved her even more for that.  
When the lunch bell rang, Jeremy stood up, dumping his trash in the can by the door.  
“You sure you don’t need a hug?”  
Jeremy nodded. “I’m sure.”  
“Okay… see you tomorrow, then, honey,” they smiled.   
The second they left Jeremy took a deep breath. “I hate that motherfucker.”  
“Understandable,” Brooke said.   
"Do YoU wAnT a HuG jErEmY," Jake mocked.   
"Entitled asshole," Michael huffed. "Fully see what you mean, bro."  
"Me and Jeremy solidarity is hating the hell out of Sam," Rich added.   
"HHHHNNNNGGGGSHSHSJSJK," Christine said eloquently.   
"Same," said Michael.   
"Jeremy?" Jake asked.   
"Yeah?"  
"Do I have permission to beat them up?"  
"...I can't stop you...?"  
"No, Jeremy. Is it okay if I beat them up?"  
"Why are you...?"  
"'I can't stop you' isn't a yes or a no. I wouldn't do anything to make anyone think you had anything to do with it. But I won't if you're, like, morally opposed. Or if you don’t want me to.”  
"Brooke, does the torah say anything about allowing a friend to beat someone up?"  
Brooke shrugged. "The bigger question is, do you really think God's gonna care?"  
"I think he'd understand in this case. I'll just make extra sure to not eat bacon."  
"Isn't that just catholicism? Sins cancelling each other out and all?" Christine asked.   
"True," said Jeremy, snickering. He turned back to Jake. "Theologically, it checks out. I'm assuming that you're willing to do it. And while I don't normally endorse violence... go ahead."  
"Love you, uwu," Jake said. He pulled himself into his wheelchair and slung his bag over his shoulder. He squeezed Jeremy's hand as he wheeled out.   
"He never says 'love you uwu' to me," Rich pouted.   
"I'll say it to you, if you need," Michael offered. "Love you, uwu!”  
"I can't deal with this," Brooke said.   
"Guys are so stupid, man."  
"True," said Jeremy. "C'mon, Middleborough motherfuckers, let's go!"

(after: 24 November)  
jake: jsjsjshJDJSH ok so theyre Pissed bc they couldnt remember who best them up  
jake: which sucks bc i want my Reputation as The Kid Hwo Beat Up Sam, not The Kid In The Wheelchair  
jake: The Kd In The Wheelchair Who Beat Up Sam is acceptable tho  
jake: i made sure to tell them it was mr  
jake: but rheres no proof so im off free lmao  
jake: jeremy ily !!!  
jeremy: ily2!!!! u did it patrick!!! u saved the city!!!!!  
jake: sksjssjsj  
jeremy: i have.,.,.., ice cream here.,,., if u want to Hang  
jake: !!!!! I'm There

**Author's Note:**

> end notes: writing the 31oct scene genuinely made me feel gross haha :’’)   
> much like i told my friend katie the other day: i genuinely can’t process my emotions in any way other than fanfic. (her response was, “hey, whatever gets you through, right?” i personally think that’s great advice. take notes, kids)  
> my tumblr is @trans-zoe-murphy if u want to,,, ask me why i wrote this all in bright blue font or smth idk


End file.
